sense a change on the horizon...
When we walk through uncharted, fresh seasons, we typically don’t feel fully equipped for it. Sometimes in my spirit, I can sense that a change in the season is just on the horizon. Sometimes, that sense of change comes with a variety of mixed emotions, but you want to know what change used to give me the most discomfort? Friendship.
I believe there is a little fear in all of us when it comes to creating new friendships; whether you have had the same gal pals with you for season after season, spiritual bruises from friendship breakups, or feeling like the odd girl out - Our spirit yearns for companionship. Through high school and college, I placed much of my identity and fulfillment on my friendships. The more my friends approved of me, the more self-gain I would acquire. I was desperate for their attention. I would be envious for their favoritism. I was motivated to be seen by my friends, even if I had to alter my personality here and there for the sake of likeability. I'd like to blame my behavior on just being young and naive, however, I think many of us can still fall into the cracks Satan has personally dug out for us to stumble in while navigating adulthood.
seek God again...
For a few years, I set aside my shallow faith to run on a never-ending hampster wheel of rejection. Placing my identity and value into other's laps was a heavy, unexpected responsibility to give to my friends. Nothing good comes from a desperate spirit looking in all the wrong places for value. I eventually found my way into Satan's little dugout, where I was met with more defeat and frustration. When I reached college and received some much-needed space from my friend group, I began to seek God again. Filling my time with college bible study group gatherings, sunday church services, daily devotionals: God was motivating me & challenging me to take new steps. I didn't recognize it at the time, but looking back through the details, God was slowly preparing my heart for a season of isolation. I was finally out of Satan's devious dugout.
forever Savior...
Until months later my friends and I all met up again; I knew I would fall back into old habits but I didn't want to risk losing all of them, so I went against God's “No” and met my friends for an evening. With alcohol in our system and weed being passed around, my spirit was uneasy. I knew God was allowing me to feel unsettled because during our time apart, my heart had shifted. I was gripping a torn twine trying to keep my unhealthy friendships alive because I was uncomfortable with inconsistency. Inconsistency was such a fear of mine that I chose to run away from the consistency of Christ and run back towards my broken friendships for a night. God never promised everything in your life would be forever, there is a beginning and an end to everything (even earlthy relationships). The only promise of the consistency He has given us is a forever savior. Despite the change in seasons, He remains constant.
blooming garden...
After that unsettling night of wrestling with God, I then fully recognized that I had to embrace being uprooted from familiar soil and being placed in fresh dirt. My spirit had a lot of maturing to do, but I was ready to embark on a fresh new season. I was finally surrendering myself to Jesus and placing my broken friendships aside. Being uprooted led me to flourishment. The process was not overnight, God had to plant the seeds, but I had to do the maintenance. Through that tedious season of isolation I can confidently state that I am grateful for the process because I now have fresh eyes to see the beauty in the friendships God has brought me to. My heart yearned for a genuine, encouraging life giving community. I prayed for years upon years of finding a community of women to grow in Christ with. God turned my tarnished and rotted spirit into a blooming garden, rich in friendship.
samantha tucker
Samantha Tucker is returning guest to By Design, writing to us from Michigan. She has a monthly column in the Elkhart Living magazine titled 'Living In Vibrance'. Something that brings her great joy is taking a summer swim in the turquoise waters of Puterbaugh Lake in Michigan, close to her childhood home. Samantha describes herself as a "summer girl" at heart.
Photos sourced from Unsplash. Headshot by Samantha Tucker.